Curlie Girlie

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A little bit stronger April 5, 2011

Filed under: emo,Weight — curliegirlie @ 3:09 pm

so, Sara Evans put out a song, and it’s on the “Country Strong” soundtrack. 

I’ve been listening to this song a lot.  Lots of people can probably relate to it, and I think it’s really great for putting my emotions into words and phrases.  I’ve been through a lot in the last few years.  I don’t always talk about it, in fact, I hardly ever talk about it.  I’ve never really been a “talker” about my feelings and what’s going on in my head/heart.  Not real sure why…just never really felt comfortable doing so.  Each week on BL, bob and/or Jillian take one of the contestants aside and talk with them about those head/heart feelings that may have led them to their weight gain.   And every week, I try to think back and identify why.  Why I am the way I am, why I feel the things I feel, why I look the way I look.  I can’t really identify a moment, or event that was catastrophic or catalytic in my past.  I think with me, it was more a series of unfortunate smaller things, when you look at them individually, you wouldn’t think twice.

I still don’t have a grasp on it.  I don’t know what in my wiring needs changed to make my life change.

but.

I am getting stronger. I am learning new things.  I am gaining more confidence about myself, and learning to view myself in a different life. Slowly, ever so slowly, I think I’m learning to put the pieces back together.  Sure, the stupidest crap still makes me cry.  Sarah McSadVoice and the ASPCA can go hang themselves.   And every now and then, a song on the radio gets me misty.  Like, “letter to me” from Brad Paisley.  Ugh. 

After last week’s emo-tastic post, I’m feeling better. Stronger.  between last week’s weigh in and this week’s weigh in, I’ve lost another 5.2 lbs.  and that makes me feel goooooood.

*and I almost didn’t even realize that today would have been my THREE YEAR anniversary.

 

Stagnancy March 28, 2011

Filed under: Weight — curliegirlie @ 3:12 pm

well, I’ve arrived again.  That wonderful place where nothing changes, I lose sight of my goals, and I mope.  I’ve been trying to focus on living life, apart from dieting and restrictions, trying to use the knowledge I’ve gained over the last several months, and apparently, all I’ve gained is weight.  My weight “loss” has become stagnant and plateau-y, and it makes me so frustrated.  I don’t even want to go to weight watchers, because that’s a concrete sample of evidence that I’m doing shittily.  So instead, I think I’ll go to Michael’s and use my 25% off coupon on some wedding stuffs. Working on wedding stuffs usually puts me in a better mood, anyway! 

As they say on the biggest loser, “I’m not ready to do this on my own yet”.  

I’ve made a tiny decision, one that I’m not really comfortable sharing with the world, lest I get even more upset if I fail.  so, we’ll see! 

In other news, I’ve joined match.com, and I really don’t think I’m ready for this yet.  I had a guy email me (yay!) and we sent a few messages back and forth, but that (THAT) made me feel like everythign was moving too fast, and I was feeling so overwhelmed.  I still get the daily match emails, and i browse around looking at profiles sometimes, but I’m not emotionally ready for this.  I need to love me more, before I can accept the fact that someone else might be able to possibly love me someday.   I guess my self-esteem is just in the shitter right now, hence all the emo tendencies.  I’m not going to sugar coat it anymore, and pretend like all is well in jill-world, because it clearly is not.

but I’m pretty confident that it will be, someday.  For my sake, and the sakes of those around me, I hope that day comes sooner rather than later. 

/emo ramblings.

 

New Year, new plan January 12, 2011

Filed under: Weight — curliegirlie @ 2:57 pm

If you haven’t cottoned on by now, know this: I’m not very good at updating.  haha.

So, after some soul-searching, and an admission from my mom that she thought the optifast would be a very temporary starting point, I have decided that it would be in my best interest to make some changes.

I’ve decided to follow in the footsteps of Jennifer Hudson, and join weight watchers!  If millions of other people can find success with this program, I think I can too.  And let’s be honest, not eating anything sucks.  Drinking shakes sucks.  Eating real food is awesome.  Especially eating real food and learning how to do it correctly.  That’s mega-awesome.

I went to my first meeting on monday, and I’ll admit that I was super nervous.  but it wasn’t bad!  Jennifer hudson told me I could sign up for free, so that was cool.  There’s  a$12/week meeting fee, plus groceries.  So that really beats my CONCI fees that I was paying before.  The people at the meeting were so nice, and they all seemed so supportive of one another.  The “leader” of the meeting said she had lost 108 lbs using weight watchers, so that gave me some hope!

Plus, my mom has been pretty successful with the program.  And Matt and Laura, they’ve lost a combined 60+ lbs!  woot!

One thing that sort of warmed my heart this week: we had birthday dinner for kevin (my brother) on friday night, and the attendees were me, mom, kev, and dad.  it was refreshing to have the family back together again.  It got me thinking about how we used to go out to dinner, just the four of us…and it made me happy.  And my dad was so sweet.  He was complimenting me on my success so far, encouraging me to keep up the good work.

The cousins and I went to his hockey game on Sunday night (coldest hockey game EVER), and went out to the winking lizard afterward, so molls could get some din-din.  In walks most of the hockey team!  the girls and I finished up, and I hung around with the guys for a little bit longer.  Dad just seemed so proud of me, and how well he thought I was doing.  It was really nice.  Dave even complimented me!  yay for boys noticing!

ok, I think that’s it for now.  Stay on track, and do something that makes you smile today!

 

It’s a miracle! November 16, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — curliegirlie @ 1:31 am

So…this was a pretty rough week to be on a diet. I guess any week is really a tough week, come to think of it.

I had dinner out FOUR TIMES this past week. FOUR! I  tried to make good choices, and I think I did pretty well considering the choices I would have made 4 months ago.

Thursday night we went to The Elevator downtown. If you haven’t been…drop whatever you are doing and get there FAST! It is so so so good. My friend Steve is a chef there, and it is just fantastic. We had tuna tartar to start, and I had tuna brulee as my entree. Sooooo good.

Friday, I went to applebee’s with Kevin, my dad, and my dad’s new girlfriend. They apparently connected at the high school reunion this past august. She was very nice, a good conversationalist! I felt awful though, headache, sore throat, and tummy ache.  I ordered a spinach salad with grilled shrimp.  Dressing On the side.  Delish!

Saturday was AU friend thanksgiving. Good times good friends and great food! I probably ate more than i should have…but t was all so great!

So to make up for all that, I literally exercised my ass off on Sunday and today. Went to the gym Sunday, did the following:
*33 minutes on elliptical (2 miles)
*20 minutes on weight machines

After I got home, I watched some tv for a bit, then went for a walk at the homestead park with Oscar. (2 miles).

Then this morning I did the same thing at the gym:
*33 minutes on the elliptical (2 miles)
*20 Minutes on weight machines

Then on my lunch break I took a 30 minute walk around a pond.

Was it all for naught?! NO!! At my weigh in tonight, I lost 3 lbs this week! Yay! Whoop whoop!

 

thirty is the new twenty November 2, 2010

Filed under: Weight — curliegirlie @ 1:06 pm

Weighed in last night.  I lost 3 pounds this past week.  That’s much better than the last few weeks COMBINED.  So yay!  Total loss so far is 30.4lbs.  Not too shabby!

Some things I did differently:  Exercised more. Cheated Less.  Had more confidence in my ability to do well. 

I think that last one is important.  Over the past few years, when I packed on that EXTRA extra weight (meaning I’ve always had extra, I just put on MORE than “extra”) I hoarded my “skinny” clothes.  In the back of my mind I had a  glimmering hope that I wouldn’t always be the size of Jabba the Hut, and that I would really want those cute clothes someday.  I would periodically try them on, and then get depressed that they didn’t fit, and then go on a binge.  Binging does NOTHING good for you, friends.

So, Sunday evening, I was feeling pretty good.  I had just returned from a pretty full day of chores, hiking around Antrim with Julie, Bobbie, Roxie, and O-Town, helping mom drive her boyfriend home (he is really sick!) and shopping at kohl’s.  I thought to myself, “Self? this is it.  Try them shits on!” 

I pulled out a  pair of brown goucho trousers that I had purchased right after graduating, as ‘hire-me’ clothes.  And you know what?  they TOTALLY FIT.  I even wore them to work yesterday.  It felt gooooooooood. 

I’m nowhere near my goal yet, but I have taken a nice sized chunk out of that pile. 

Ok, Back to Mike and Molly.  I’m still incensed about that article, referenced in the previous post.  I watch this show, and apparently Millions of other americans do, too!  It’s rated the second highest comedy so far.  What I find refreshing about it, is that it is REAL people.  Not supermodels.  Not skinny chick with heavier guy.  I think American identifies with it, because it is a more accurate portrait of middle america.  blahbitty blah statistics about the rise in overweight people blah blah.  

I know that I am working on my issues with weight, trying to overcome not only the physical aspects of my body, but also the mental ones.  The mental parts of the struggle are definitely more difficult and more important than the physical ones.  This is one of the main reasons that I watch the biggest loser.  Every week, Bob and Jillian try to reach a break through with one of the contestants, to make them realize WHY they have these issues.  It’s usually a deep seated emotional scarring of some sort. 

I haven’t really pinpointed my own issues yet, but a lot of it stems from feelings of inadequacy. I’m sure why, but I’ve never really felt that I was “good enough” whatever the hell that is.  I’m starting to realize that I AM worth it, I am allowed to be happy.

 

This pissed me Off. October 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — curliegirlie @ 6:38 pm

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Seriously?  One of my favorite Bloggers had a lot to say about it, and I LOVE her for it:

http://barefootfoodie.com/2010/10/26/my-letter-to-marie-claire/comment-page-1/#comments

She said it better than I could.

Ugh.

And seriously, I love the show Mike & Molly.  It’s funny, cute, and seems more real than any other sitcom on TV.

Take that, Marie Claire.

 

A fresh start (again)

Filed under: Uncategorized — curliegirlie @ 1:18 pm

so, I’ve been pretty unfocused lately.  I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I haven’t had a day off in a long time…I think October 10th was my last one. Stress, headaches, work, all of these things have given me a reason not to focus on myself, and basically give up on my plan. 

Well, I’m putting  a stop to it.  I’m giving myself a giant kick in the ass, which is exactly what I need right now.  I did a lot of social things last week, and while I do not regret ANY of it, it did put things into perspective for me.  Jules had her birthday party on friday (happy belated!)  and Lisa and I stopped by for a little bit.  I was really really proud of the way I handled myself. I had 3/4 of a beer, and that’s it.  No sangria, no cupcakes, no candy corn, no apples and caramel.   All of it looked delicious and awesome, but I successfully avoided it. 

I’ve discovered that this journey is about little milestones.  Getting through my day resisting big temptations, and finding time to ENJOY exercise.  That’s right, enjoy it.  Not just do it because I have to, but to want to do it.  This is key for me.  If I am enjoying myself during an activity, I am more likeyl to repreat that activity!  So, I did some wii Fit activities last night and again this morning.  My favorite thing is “rhythm boxing” in the aerobics section. 

So, I’m feeling kinda of amped right now.  I am feeling a little bit more confident about my progress, and sticking with my goals.  The biggest hurdle/temptation for me has been lunchtime.  At work, I just NEED to escape during my break, and there are a lot of fast food places and restaurants around here.  As long as I have  a specific task in mind (like yesterday, I went to target to buy the Sugarland CD) I can be ok with it.

That’s it for now, have  a great week!